...more like sick in the heart

i've been in bed for the past 2 days. only getting up to pee. havent brushed my teeth. havent showered. missed 2 days of class. right now i have a slight fever of 99. it went up to about 102 this morning and was at a steady 101 for the majority of the day. it feels like i'm sweating snow. im hot. im cold. i feel like complete shit. never have i felt so physically weak (ok, so i dont mean that. it just feels like the worst because its happening right now. i faintly remember feeling the same thing last sunday morning as i hugged the white porcelain god in the bathroom).

::insert 20 minutes here::

i wasnt going to blog about this. i was just planning to ramble on about how sick i am, but being "sick" only reminds me of my heart. and how my heart is and will be forever sick. my 28 year old brother was diagnosed with colorectal cancer in june of 2007. a member of the FDNY and healthiest/most fit person i knew was ill. to say i was left in shock, is an understatement. its one of those things, i knew would change my life forever. my gusy, as we all call him, underwent chemotherapy and surgery later that same year. the holidays just like seasons, came and went. instead of unwrapping gifts and counting down the new year, i was feeding my brother jello, changing his cathedra and walking him around the endless circles of our new home, the hospital. his surgery was a success, but just as most cancers go, the complete tumor could not be removed. to this day he still undergoes chemo and radiation and places a continued faith in the doctors that are no longer just names on prescriptions. son familia. and in return I have faith he'll be healthy enough one day to risk his life to save the life of another. he chooses to run in burning buildings as most are running out. if thats not labelled heroic, i really dont what can be.

::insert 10 minutes of "select all, delete" and "edit, undo" here::

this is something i dont share with most. not because of any super sensitive reasons, but because i dont how to describe what compelled over me after june 2007. and every time i try to describe it, it just comes out sounding super corny and super naive, but in true janice fashion, i'll give it another whirl. take it as you may. my belief in the good and in the good person suddenly wasnt just a belief anymore. it became a certainty. a certainty i will never doubt again. from our doctors holding my mothers hands as her tears mopped the floors of memorial sloan kettering cancer center to nurses personally bringing my brother his favorite lunch as his mood dramatically transformed while undergoing chemo. the simple fact that my brother yearns to join his brothers on that engine and help those needing it, left me speechless. the power within ourselves to do good is often overlooked. its not even embraced. i know we live in a morbid world where a lot of shitty stuff happens BUT through many examples of good i do have faith that pure happiness is possible. its one of the things that have inspired me to bring fourth my need to create change even if its only for that 1 lonely teenage kid who turns to alcohol for company. goodness. so simple and yet so expensive? that chapter of the story of my life gets deleted right now.

the rambles end here. nyquil calls.

-from the woman of visuals, not words

beans