i hate that you're...

... fucking hate it.

a very late christmas

a mean shoe game? lets talk about it.

...because sometimes we need a little push to allow natural confidence shine. gracias, miss dulcedolor.tumblr.com. check her out.

::cries hysterically::

these lovely ladies are the perfect balance between girly and bad. i'm not normally a fan of the baby pink, the baby blue, the baby soft, the baby gay etc but there's just something very intriguing about this colorway. simplicity is sexy. airmax 90s are one of my all time favorite sneakers. they are super comfy and eye-catching as well. there isnt anything sexier on a gal than a pair of bulky sneakers and a killer handbag, but hey thats just my opinion. i am simply an appreciator of art. walking down the streets of soho and letting your footwear tell a story from '99 is fuckin MAGICAL. no other way to put it. i think thats what truly defines a sneakerhead. telling a story, not continuing a fad. not these -buy to resell- or -buy, wear, resell, profit- buyers SMH! every pair of sneakers i own, i love. point blank period. they tell stories. where i've been and where i'm going. sadly, i havent purchased a pair of sneakers in MONTHS. its not that big of a deal, i have other habits to feed buttttt i'm in desperate need of that beautiful, orgasmic new sneaker smell. i'm honestly not any kind of sneakerhead or devoted nike slave, BUT the love i do have for footwear in general is uncanny. i miss looking foward to the first day of school in my elementary years just because it meant going school supply shopping that included a fresh new pair of reeboks (throwback). ::sighs:: back to my uncontrollable crying for the finer things in life that must wait.

-the girl who had no shoes that now has many.

turn down the heat on the rice before it burns

::sighs, sits in the uncomfortably relaxing chairs of john jay library, indulging in the smell of pre-mature ambitions and time-stained libros:: "blogging" while i should be getting my latest school projects out of the way before starting what actually looks to be an eventful weekend. eventful in the sense that i'll be doing more than downing 40s in the corner of the house of mayhem. not gonna lie, i kinda miss wasted wednesdays. just kinda. but who doesnt miss the past? when actions had no consequences. so lets see, to update my 3 faithful followers...lol

priority number 1:

CASAC. whats the plan after may 2010 graduation? Credentialed Alcoholism and Substance Abuse Counselor WOW. it's really happening. me. thee irony. who better to help those needing it than someone who can empathize with an intoxicated reality? not saying i have or ever will visit a distorted reality, but you catch my drift. food for though: 65% of all inmates incarcerted are there for drug related, NON violent crimes. whatttttttt?! ::looks up and gives mommy's skirt a tugg:: "...but i though jail was to lock up the bad guys, mommy." smh

not so random thought of the day:

how people live in circles, i'll never understand. see, i'm a square (ha) but i am. oh you know, ...the turn-the-corner-without-knowing-what-youre-going-to-run-into kind of SQUARE. i suppose its something i was cursed with. apparently, "love" means making the same mistakes over and over and OVER again. bah! if thats the case, keep your circles, keep your love and make the grinch my best friend. who likes how sour foods taste, anyway?

latest buy:

thank you, karmaloop-punto-com

currently listening to:

muchas gracias, tio.

breath currently smells like:

-habichuelas without the burnt rice.

...more like sick in the heart

i've been in bed for the past 2 days. only getting up to pee. havent brushed my teeth. havent showered. missed 2 days of class. right now i have a slight fever of 99. it went up to about 102 this morning and was at a steady 101 for the majority of the day. it feels like i'm sweating snow. im hot. im cold. i feel like complete shit. never have i felt so physically weak (ok, so i dont mean that. it just feels like the worst because its happening right now. i faintly remember feeling the same thing last sunday morning as i hugged the white porcelain god in the bathroom).

::insert 20 minutes here::

i wasnt going to blog about this. i was just planning to ramble on about how sick i am, but being "sick" only reminds me of my heart. and how my heart is and will be forever sick. my 28 year old brother was diagnosed with colorectal cancer in june of 2007. a member of the FDNY and healthiest/most fit person i knew was ill. to say i was left in shock, is an understatement. its one of those things, i knew would change my life forever. my gusy, as we all call him, underwent chemotherapy and surgery later that same year. the holidays just like seasons, came and went. instead of unwrapping gifts and counting down the new year, i was feeding my brother jello, changing his cathedra and walking him around the endless circles of our new home, the hospital. his surgery was a success, but just as most cancers go, the complete tumor could not be removed. to this day he still undergoes chemo and radiation and places a continued faith in the doctors that are no longer just names on prescriptions. son familia. and in return I have faith he'll be healthy enough one day to risk his life to save the life of another. he chooses to run in burning buildings as most are running out. if thats not labelled heroic, i really dont what can be.

::insert 10 minutes of "select all, delete" and "edit, undo" here::

this is something i dont share with most. not because of any super sensitive reasons, but because i dont how to describe what compelled over me after june 2007. and every time i try to describe it, it just comes out sounding super corny and super naive, but in true janice fashion, i'll give it another whirl. take it as you may. my belief in the good and in the good person suddenly wasnt just a belief anymore. it became a certainty. a certainty i will never doubt again. from our doctors holding my mothers hands as her tears mopped the floors of memorial sloan kettering cancer center to nurses personally bringing my brother his favorite lunch as his mood dramatically transformed while undergoing chemo. the simple fact that my brother yearns to join his brothers on that engine and help those needing it, left me speechless. the power within ourselves to do good is often overlooked. its not even embraced. i know we live in a morbid world where a lot of shitty stuff happens BUT through many examples of good i do have faith that pure happiness is possible. its one of the things that have inspired me to bring fourth my need to create change even if its only for that 1 lonely teenage kid who turns to alcohol for company. goodness. so simple and yet so expensive? that chapter of the story of my life gets deleted right now.

the rambles end here. nyquil calls.

-from the woman of visuals, not words

beans

vision of love

Sioux By A-Morir $222

Love/Hate By A-Morir $252

stuff is cool. call me superficial.

new camila!

for my fellow spanish rock enthusiasts:

"...tu supiste encenderme y luego apagarme..."

one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. at a sober 7am.

january 2010. salinas, ecuador.

La vida es como la espuma, por eso hay que darse como el mar.

"Life is like the surf, so give yourself away like the sea"

-y tu mama tambien

forget the crush.

lupe, you are my "cant eat, cant sleep, reach for the stars, world series" tipo de amor.

i have a new crush

...his name is j.cole

attempting to sleep with my glasses on

so i guess the main purpose of a blog is to actually blog about everyday life and unfortunately share how routine has devoured ones will to live for the sake of living and so i've realized i havent done that. at all. not even once. and i should. because i'm no exception. routine has gotten the best of me. i apologize in advanced for this tedious post, but i love janice a little more than i love all you, readers and so for my own state of sanity, i shall vent. "everyone take your places. lets have a great show. break a leg and if you forget your lines, improvise."

hmmm where shall i begin. school? thats always an entertaining small-chat ice-breaker and being that is what i'm most preoccupied with nowadays, i suppose it's appropriate to start there. so its my last semester at john jay college as an undergrad student. 5 years and 120 credits later, i'm here. to tell you the truth, it feels good. real good. not only because every single person i met my first year has either dropped out or is still in the process of obtaining enough credits, but more so for me. i did it. alone. with the help of no one. and i dare someone to take that away from me. "its just cuny?" if its just cuny, wheres your BA at? and i dont say this often, but i'm proud of janice. "i be low, then i be high. its like a battle knife to a gun fight, but i be cool, this the story of my life." -cudi (currently what i'm listening to and i felt it was appropriate just to throw that in there). i'm taking 6 classes. its a huge workload. its only day 3 and already i feel drained. all 6 except for statistics are elective classes so i've been surprisingly interested in all of them. sociology of mental illness is probably the one that i'll invest the most time into. i'm going to step out of my norm and study mental illness, but from a sociological perspective. why not? i've placed a heavy sense of reliance on looking at mental illness and substance abuse from a psychological perspective. i, too, need to challenge myself.

work? it blows. doing the whole retail nightmare (again). aldo, i will NOT allow you to be the end of me. honestly, for right now, aldo is the only job that can handle me. my class schedule is complicated and due to all the personal work i'm planning on doing outside of class, i need to be able to just get up and go as i please. 2 of my classes are requiring me to attend AA meetings. i've attended several for other classes before, but i'm really going to dedicate myself to the experience this time. i'll be super broke for awhile. ecuador was awesome, but i spent over my budget and now need to pay off a maxed out credit card. so all aldo income will be going straight to that. sneaker and handbag habits will be undergoing immediate withdrawal.

love? like work, that blows as well. true love blows anyway (lol) love is one of those things i'm always dressed head to toe in. it never goes out of style (i think i stole that from sex and the city) but its true. i have it. always. want mine? take it. its simple. i'll serve you my love on a plate, but please devour will care. as for the love life? its pretty uneventful. i have a crush or 2 or 7 that are keeping me occupied. been listening to a lot of mos def lately so who knows i might just become a loyal fan. (i hate to keep referring back to ecuador, but it just changed me in ways words cannot explain. and it re-taught me something i already knew, but in a way that i'll never forget.) i have the world at my fingertips. literally. theres so many things out there that deserve my attention. so any ppl worth meeting. so many challenges worth taking. useless 5 month reLIEtionships are frivilous. useless 5 year friENDships are jokes. lets talk about lifetimes. deadass.

the use? it's still there. judge me, but love me.

hasta la proxima.

-habichuelas